New Excerpts to Check out
Hey! I posted two new excerpts from Grace! Check em’ out under “excerpts” on the right toolbar! Will have some more comin’ soon!
“Are we done?” I mumbled indistinguishably.
I opened my eyes as much as I could, the towel over my head obstructing my view. I saw faint, blue blobs, nurses masked by an un-clearable blur. I tried to say a few other things to them, but my mouth was not capable of producing words. It was as if the cable connecting my brain and mouth had been severed, and it became frustrating. I then realized the intense pain in my left arm which radiated all the way up to my shoulder. I saw a strange contraption hooked on at the bend in my elbow, and when someone adjusted it, I grimaced in pain. I wondered where my parents were. We were done, right? Right?
Suddenly, I heard Dr. Dan’s voice as he reentered. Several nurses flipped me on my left side and began to scrub my lower back, practically my rear end. It hit me. It was not over…I had awakened right in the middle of it. Panicking, I shut my eyes, thinking that I could make myself return to unconsciousness. But when I slammed my eyelids closed, I witnessed something just as scary, I was hallucinating. Just about every possible color flew around in a whirl, making me the dizziest I have ever been. It was a dizziness that, if it was possible to die from dizziness, would have killed me. Also, for an instant, I saw the image of my mom, and I remember crying out to her in my head.
Thinking she was all too real, I screamed, “Mom! Mom! Come back! No, I need you!”
Her loving face was sucked into the spiral of flying colors like a dust mite up into a vacuum. My heart couldn’t take it, I opened my eyes once again, but terror gripped me. It was either the nightmare of all nightmares, or I was a spectator of my own surgery. I thought it was the end, I was almost positive that this was what it felt like to die. I was going insane, and nobody had a clue. Just when I thought I had nothing left, I remembered something. It was a Bible verse that my mom had taught me. She had said it to herself as she was in labor and gave birth to my brothers and I. Not knowing where else to turn, I turned to God.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” I whispered internally. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” I repeated.
And that was it. I knew that no matter how painful or frightening it got, I could do it. I was in awe by how it spoke to me. I told myself that if we can do anything with the Lord’s help, then we should not be afraid of anything. Pain is just pain, and God went through so much more of it for us than I can even imagine. God can do this, it is easy for him, and he lives within me. Therefore, I can do this, no, I will do this. Just as the Spirit of the Lord empowered my soul, the big, long needle pierced my pelvis. The pain was so intense that I let out a bloody yet silent cry inside my head. It was like nothing I had ever experienced…or hope to experience again. And as Dr. Dan harvested my marrow, I talked to myself.
“The Lord is good. He is here with me,” I remember saying.
I pictured Jesus, my savior, taking all of the suffering from me, bearing it all himself. I knew that He would do this for me, and just the thought of it seemed to numb some of the discomfort. I am not sure if I finally returned to sleep or passed out from the pain but, after that, I have no recollection of anything. Maybe even the Lord, with his heavenly, pure anesthesia, heard my prayers.
copyright by Melinda Marchiano, author of Grace
The time had come. I heard the squeaky wheels even before I saw a man with a stretcher pull up to my door. I was relieved and ready, but jittery and procrastinating. I went to the bathroom one more time, funny how we overlook the simple things like going to the restroom before surgery. Realizing how weird the patient ID tag around my wrist looked, I gave in and crawled under the starchy, white sheets on the stretcher. I had made a big step toward grasping the tough reality. Mom and Dad walked along side as I was wheeled up, down, here, there, and everywhere by Joe, a great guy who became my personal driver, if you will. I cracked a smile… it was kind of fun. But my self-pity got in the way. I felt so screwed up. Probably one of the weirdest things is having people stare at you as you roll by. They hesitantly peek, as though they’re expecting a mangled, undistinguishable thing to glide past. They sure did get a surprise when I went by, smiling and waving at them. Yeah, I milked that stretcher ride like Miss Pepperoni in the Parade of Pizza. We pulled up to a humongous door, it splitting as Joe pushed a Paul Bunyan size button mounted on the nearby wall. Once again, a whole new world was revealed. The planet OR. It must have dropped about 15 or 20 degrees when we entered the pre-op area, and I snuggled in deeper under my blankets, trying to shake off the uncomfortable chill. Lying down, I was unable to see the schedule board, but my mom later told me what it read. In big letters, I was written on it like the Catch of the Day, battered, fried, with a side of slaw and unlimited soda refills. Nah, just kidding.
It said, “Melinda Marchiano– Anterior Mediastinal Mass.”
copyright by Melinda Marchiano, author of Grace
With already one down, I chugged another nauseating bottle of oral contrast. For those of you who are not familiar with this delightful substance, I shall explain it to you. It comes in a clear, glass bottle, one that makes you believe that the milkman just pulled up in his horse and buggy with fresh, ice-cold milk. It reads, “Barium Sulfate,” a.k.a oral contrast. When you glance at the back, as if to read the “nutrition facts,” you are informed that it can interestingly be taken orally, intravenously, or rectally. That made me appreciate the fact that I was drinking it. But, ah, the taste. At first whiff, it emits a vanilla scent, and you are momentarily tricked into thinking it is a sweet, smooth milkshake from your favorite fast food place. But as soon as the foul liquid slides to the back of your mouth, the chalky, bitter taste creeps up and hits you like tax day. Your mouth becomes pasty and dry, along with the glamorous bloating, stomach upset, nausea, dizziness, and loss of appetite. To add a cherry on top of the sundae from hell, you must fast before your scan. I pictured my belly, it screaming for food, but only full of the sloshing, nightmare milkshake. So I had my moments of weakness and crabbiness, and I also directed several hateful comments toward the innocent glass bottle. But I eventually got it down without any choking, gagging, etc.
copyright by Melinda Marchiano, author of Grace
My "what I used to look like" look!
This is me dancing between chemo and radiation. I'm tired, nauseous, and light-headed....but dancing!
Antonio, my stuffed gorilla, came with me every day to radiation dressed differently. Here he is sporting his Cottage Hospital shirt.
Me and the crew from the clinic (from left to right) Nancy (a.k.a. Zippy), Nurse Pam, Me, Dr. Dan, and Robin
Great Aunt Phyllis and I, fellow cancer survivors with hair sproutin'!
A girl from dance sorta "dared" me to come in the next day with a mohawk.......I did.
2008 Arroyo Grande Relay for Life
Just a few of the luminaria bags that lit the Relay track in memory or in honor of someone who battled cancer.
I spoke at the Teddy Bear Cancer Foundation Luncheon in October 2008.
I was Marie in the Civic Ballet of San Luis Obispo's Nutcracker in December 2008.
These Disney gloves got a lot of use, and they also created many smiles and laughs.
My fourth and final round, I played "Can't Help Fallin' in Love With You". There was a piano on the adult floor, and I played for some of the pediatric nurses.
Nurse Cyndi kisses my bald head before my very last hospital chemo.
Me and Ricco (my IV pump) get decorated for my last hospital chemo party!
So many "Melinda supporters" came to the party!
I had to go back for one last outpatient day of chemo, and to celebrate, I went with a Hawiian theme.
This is me and my doctor, Dr. Dan, the greatest guy eva!
One extremely boring day, I discovered stuffed animal wigs+mom's camera=fun!
My redhead look
My "the sun will come out tomorrow" look
I received "Beads of Courage" for every procedure, poke, day of chemo, ect. This is me collecting them during my second round of chemotherapy.
Here I am discovering my true inner baldness!
Larry, our dog, was my "therapy dog" at home.
Larry had it pretty good when comforting me!
Mom told me to not play with my food, but it gets pretty boring in the hospital...you know?
Nedding to stay busy, but not feeling well enough to do anything major, I baked and cooked quite often.
This was my first blood transfusion, which took most of the day. I began to play with my tube in various ways!
I became the master of balancing things on my head. This is only one example, a water bottle with a straw carefully placed on top. The bald head gave me a little (ok, a lot) of an advantage!